As the Barenaked Ladies said... "One Week."

The notice is in. Old Navy is no longer my main source of income.

I may stick around for extra cash on the weekends, but the beauty of this whole situation is that I don't HAVE to stick around. I can completely turn my back on Old Navy and be ok. More than ok.

I start at my new office on the 26th of September. My last day at Old Navy is the 22nd. This coming weekend will be my last as a retail employee. I can dedicate myself to my students, to my passions. I can visit long lost family and friends in other states, without having to worry about who will be there to do markdowns, or put up signs, or handle spreadsheets.

Someone else will have to learn how to work the lights, and the AC unit, and the LOD sheets, and the Top 30 report. Dan is probably going to flounder for a bit, trying to find someone to do the work that I do for such little money. Honestly... my position is not worth it. At all. I feel sorry for whoever takes it, I really do. I hope they get promoted quickly, and that they don't have to waste their time in that position for 5 years. I hope Dan goes to bat for them the way he didn't go to bat for me.

I'm embarking on a journey, friends, where I can truly be an adult, and I will not be embarassed to talk about my job. You can join me on it, right here.

The Semester Begins...

It's strange to think, for so many years I kept track of time in "semesters." Spring, summer, fall. Winter was just where Christmas break fell between Fall and Spring semesters. I kept time in school years. Now... it feels odd to watch my friends, my family, my co workers and my students return to the classroom. And me? I'm just working. No classes. No parking stickers. No syllabi to read. In many ways, I enjoy it, but in many ways... I miss it. I miss being a student. I was so good at it, and it brought me certain types of nerdy joy... not to mention social time.

To continute my summer of growing up and becoming a real adult... I applied for a job. A real, big kid job that is NOT in retail, does NOT force me to work weekends, and requires business clothing.

And I think I nailed the interview. I'm crossing every single one of my crossable limbs, because Old Navy is not cutting it any more. I'm a college grad, I'm 24. I don't WANT to run around after 17 year olds that don't care anymore. I don't WANT to work on Thanksgiving. I want to be able to visit my family on holidays. I want to be able to move out, on a salary that is actually fair for the amount of work that I do.

Basically, I want to start living like a grown up, because I deserve it.

Grad school is still there. It's not going anywhere. I will still go. Just... not right now.

I'm having too much fun teaching color guard. I will have an amazing time creating a show for winter guard. I don't want to give that up just yet.

Most of you have probably heard me complain about Matt at some point or another. But... we've talked. I've decided that I don't want to be with anyone else right now. Even as other guys tell me they are interested... I can only think "...but you're not Matt. You're not the one I actually want." I can't force myself to feel for anyone else what I feel for him. And, even if our relationship is not the greatest thing in the world, even if I get frustrated sometimes, and he gets distant sometimes... I'm happier being with him than I am being without him, and I'm willing to stick it out and see where it goes. Yes, it sucks that he is in Rolla for school... and I'm... well... here. But I can't change that. I can only go visit.

And so, readers, this is life now. Working. Relationships. I'm ACTUALLY an adult. It's a bit terrifying, so hold off on it as long as you can, ok?

Growing Pains

And so, after weeks of contemplation, nightmares, angry emails, and one long lunch date with a therapist (who is a friend of Mom's, I didn't actually seek therapy for this)... the decision has been made.

I stay.

Here. In St. Louis.

Things are going well at work. Things are going well at home. I'm settled, and happy. I'm ready to take on the next phase of my life... and it's going to happen right here, in the Gateway City.

I couldn't leave, and feel comfortable. I don't feel as though my time is "up" here. Plus, the money didn't come through, and that's a huge factor for me. I HATE feeling as though I'm not financially secure.

I'm excited to stay. A little sad, as well, because I feel as though I've let some people down... I can hear my Dad's response now. He's going to compare this to the wedding. And the full-ride scholarship. He's going to say that I bail on everything, because I'm lazy, or afraid, or whatever adjective he wants to use. If he doesn't realize by now that I'm neither of those things, it's his loss... right?

I have lazy tendencies, and I'm cautious, but I'm also hard-working and brave in most aspects of my life. Fuck anyone who thinks differently.

I am not giving up on grad school altogether... I'm just stopping to breathe for a second. Or a year. Whatever it takes. Why rush things? I tried to rush everything in my life, before I even turned 21. Why keep doing it at 24?

I also kind of have something-- or someone-- to stick around for. I haven't been in this position for awhile... but I'm enjoying it. I haven't truly dated anyone since... I don't even want to think about it. I've been on dates, yes, definitely. Most of them ended badly, or strangely, and nothing really came out of them. Most of the time, the guy seemed interested, but wouldn't continue to put forth the effort to actually make me his girlfriend. This one, though... this one is different. There is definite effort involved.

My summer is going to be amazing, because I'm going to make it so. I'm spending as much time with friends as possible. I'm taking road trips to visit those that live a little out of the way (here's looking at you two, Meg and Sab!). I'm enjoying a budding romance. I'm watching good friends get married, and start their lives. I'm revisiting old hobbies and talents. I'm shooting more than ever. I'm learning. I'm teaching. I guess that's growing up, right?

This will be the summer of romance, true friendships, and new beginnings. And I don't even have to leave the state.

Fears, rational and irrational.

Graduate. Degree-holding citizen. These words actually APPLY to me now. Yes, really. I didn't think the day would ever come either. It's been an incredibly long journey, one that I'm happy to have completed. I'm also really glad that I didn't stress myself out and try to do it in 4 years. As a good friend of mine says... graduating from college after 4 years is like leaving the party at 10 pm. And well, it's kind of true. If I'd done it in 4, I never would have met the awesome people I have over the past year or so (I'm lookin' at you, ladies, Meg and Kat!). Things have honestly never been better for me, and I'm ready to move on to the next step.

But I'm afraid.

I get bouts of fear, usually at night, when lying in bed, thinkin' about stuff. Or, when I'm driving around in the Central West End, windows open, the weather perfect. Or, when I'm wandering around Plowsharing Crafts, searching for finger puppets made of free trade materials.

Will I find people like you in Tallahassee? Will I find places like these? Will I adjust accordingly, the way I adjusted so well to St. Louis?

Having my father here for 3 days opened my eyes a little bit. I had to play tour guide for someone from my home town. Where did I take him?

Delmar. Central West End. Oishi. My favorite places to get a good drink. My favorite places to hear live music. My favorite places to people watch. My favorite places to get great food.

I'm scared to leave these places, scared to leave these people. I hit my stride here... am I really ready to leave?

Hell Hath No Fury...

Although I'm generally trying to avoid making this a spot for my every day complaints and bitch sessions, this one needs to be written out.

Gentlemen, please, take this as a guide.

Women are simple creatures, really. Tell me I'm right, tell me I'm pretty, and give me a hug. Then, I will stroke your ego as much as you want. I promise.

Do NOT use me to stroke your ego without giving me anything in return. I'm not that girl. If you flirt, I will flirt back, but I WILL expect that at some point this will go somewhere.

When it doesn't, I will be upset. I will be pissed. And I will probably slap you. You've been warned.

What Nerds Do Over Spring Break

We all know I'm not your typical spring break girl. I'm not a big drinker, I go to bed early, and I'm pretty sure I'm going to be 84 this year.

What does a girl like me do over Spring Break?

Crochet.

Mmmhmm. I said it. Crochet. Look, there's proof!

He's going up for sale in my Etsy shop whenever I get around to taking real photos of him.

I didn't do much else, really. I worked.

I'm beginning to think I'm not cut out for retail. It frustrates me more and more every day. It makes me realize that I do want higher education. I don't want to be my boss in 5 years: married, a store manager, never able to leave town on a holiday. Ew.

That's it folks. We return to regularly scheduled programming next week: Class, work, class. Rinse, repeat, for another 5 weeks. Graduation is quickly approaching, and I could not be more excited.

Self Actualizations

I'm learning some... stuff... this week.

As you may know, my dating life is a blooper reel.

I'm currently stringing along men I'm not interested in, because they keep popping up, even when I ignore them. I have one woman who wants to "hook up" and then see what happens. And then I've got one who is confusing the hell out of me with the witty banter and playfulness.

Anyway. I digress.

What I'm learning, by observing the dating rituals of those around me, is that I'm a settler. I give in to other people. I give them what they want to hear, because I'm not honest enough to just say "no," for fear it hurts their feelings. If I'm tired and want to go home, I can't just say so without feeling guilty. If I don't want to date you, I can't just say so without feeling guilty. It doesn't matter WHAT it is, everything I ever say in opposition gives me a guilt trip.

So, what does this mean?

Honestly, I don't know. I wish I knew what to do with it. I've tried meditating for some clarity, and sadly, I just keep falling asleep because I've been so exhausted lately.

I'm trying to tap into my inner sex goddess, as awkward as that may be for some of you to learn. She and I used to have a great relationship, but over time we've become fair weather friends. She gained a couple of pounds and some laugh lines and now she's in hiding. I'm trying to coax her out with lots of fanfiction (if you don't get this, please don't worry, you're probably better off). I'm trying to re-establish our bonds, because we had a great time together. I don't know, maybe she needs a break from me.

I've also learned that distance not only makes the heart grow fonder, but truly tests the threads of relationships. I'm watching it in the relationships of my friends, and I'm watching it in my own relationships. How many people are excited for my return to Florida? Let me just sum it up by saying "a lot." How many of those people have come here to see me? Have emailed me? Have seen me when I've visited Florida? The response is a sad but true "a few."

Now, please, don't take this harshly. I understand the complications of work, money, school, partners, and children. I do. But, I am reachable by phone, email, text, chat platforms, skype... you name it, you can reach me on it.

I'm terrified that this will happen again when I go to Tallahassee. It's far enough away from both of my homes that I may be truly isolated. I may be completely and utterly alone for a few months until I find some poor soul to eat lunch with me.

Maybe my paranoia and nerves are getting the best of me at this point. I'm really, truly, terrified to do this by myself.