Self Actualizations

I'm learning some... stuff... this week.

As you may know, my dating life is a blooper reel.

I'm currently stringing along men I'm not interested in, because they keep popping up, even when I ignore them. I have one woman who wants to "hook up" and then see what happens. And then I've got one who is confusing the hell out of me with the witty banter and playfulness.

Anyway. I digress.

What I'm learning, by observing the dating rituals of those around me, is that I'm a settler. I give in to other people. I give them what they want to hear, because I'm not honest enough to just say "no," for fear it hurts their feelings. If I'm tired and want to go home, I can't just say so without feeling guilty. If I don't want to date you, I can't just say so without feeling guilty. It doesn't matter WHAT it is, everything I ever say in opposition gives me a guilt trip.

So, what does this mean?

Honestly, I don't know. I wish I knew what to do with it. I've tried meditating for some clarity, and sadly, I just keep falling asleep because I've been so exhausted lately.

I'm trying to tap into my inner sex goddess, as awkward as that may be for some of you to learn. She and I used to have a great relationship, but over time we've become fair weather friends. She gained a couple of pounds and some laugh lines and now she's in hiding. I'm trying to coax her out with lots of fanfiction (if you don't get this, please don't worry, you're probably better off). I'm trying to re-establish our bonds, because we had a great time together. I don't know, maybe she needs a break from me.

I've also learned that distance not only makes the heart grow fonder, but truly tests the threads of relationships. I'm watching it in the relationships of my friends, and I'm watching it in my own relationships. How many people are excited for my return to Florida? Let me just sum it up by saying "a lot." How many of those people have come here to see me? Have emailed me? Have seen me when I've visited Florida? The response is a sad but true "a few."

Now, please, don't take this harshly. I understand the complications of work, money, school, partners, and children. I do. But, I am reachable by phone, email, text, chat platforms, skype... you name it, you can reach me on it.

I'm terrified that this will happen again when I go to Tallahassee. It's far enough away from both of my homes that I may be truly isolated. I may be completely and utterly alone for a few months until I find some poor soul to eat lunch with me.

Maybe my paranoia and nerves are getting the best of me at this point. I'm really, truly, terrified to do this by myself.