Growing Pains

And so, after weeks of contemplation, nightmares, angry emails, and one long lunch date with a therapist (who is a friend of Mom's, I didn't actually seek therapy for this)... the decision has been made.

I stay.

Here. In St. Louis.

Things are going well at work. Things are going well at home. I'm settled, and happy. I'm ready to take on the next phase of my life... and it's going to happen right here, in the Gateway City.

I couldn't leave, and feel comfortable. I don't feel as though my time is "up" here. Plus, the money didn't come through, and that's a huge factor for me. I HATE feeling as though I'm not financially secure.

I'm excited to stay. A little sad, as well, because I feel as though I've let some people down... I can hear my Dad's response now. He's going to compare this to the wedding. And the full-ride scholarship. He's going to say that I bail on everything, because I'm lazy, or afraid, or whatever adjective he wants to use. If he doesn't realize by now that I'm neither of those things, it's his loss... right?

I have lazy tendencies, and I'm cautious, but I'm also hard-working and brave in most aspects of my life. Fuck anyone who thinks differently.

I am not giving up on grad school altogether... I'm just stopping to breathe for a second. Or a year. Whatever it takes. Why rush things? I tried to rush everything in my life, before I even turned 21. Why keep doing it at 24?

I also kind of have something-- or someone-- to stick around for. I haven't been in this position for awhile... but I'm enjoying it. I haven't truly dated anyone since... I don't even want to think about it. I've been on dates, yes, definitely. Most of them ended badly, or strangely, and nothing really came out of them. Most of the time, the guy seemed interested, but wouldn't continue to put forth the effort to actually make me his girlfriend. This one, though... this one is different. There is definite effort involved.

My summer is going to be amazing, because I'm going to make it so. I'm spending as much time with friends as possible. I'm taking road trips to visit those that live a little out of the way (here's looking at you two, Meg and Sab!). I'm enjoying a budding romance. I'm watching good friends get married, and start their lives. I'm revisiting old hobbies and talents. I'm shooting more than ever. I'm learning. I'm teaching. I guess that's growing up, right?

This will be the summer of romance, true friendships, and new beginnings. And I don't even have to leave the state.