Contrary to popular belief... I DO know...

For some reason, people must think I'm blind. I don't know why, I mean... I studied Art History in college.

Let me explain.

One week from today, I will be running my first 5K.

I'm excited, yes.

But I'm also apprehensive.

I've had so much negativity going into this race.

So many people doubt my ability, so many people raise an eyebrow about my interest in the world of running 5Ks.

I GET IT.

I'M FAT.

I KNOW that I'm fat. I've been this way most of my life, and while some of it is genetic, most of it is being raised by people who made poor food choices, and then making poor food choices myself.

But, I do own mirrors. I do look in them every day, and I am fully aware of my body.

However, I am making changes to my lifestyle, and this is part of it.

I told Mom today that I was worried about it, the race. That I had been humiliated so many times-- even so many this week alone-- about my size, about the race, about so many other things concerning my body, that I was thinking of pulling out of the race.

Her response?

"So do it. Train for the next one."

I think that might have been the icing on the cake.

I needed her to tell me that she believed in me. I needed her to tell me that I can do it. I needed her to tell me that it wasn't about time, or medals, or awards, or anything like that, but that she would be there to support my efforts, and watch me cross the finish line.

I'm still going to do it. I'm still going to show up, and get eaten by zombies, and cross the finish line.

Am I a fool for thinking I can do it? Absolutely.

Do I have any business being the only fat person on a 5K obstacle course? No. Fuck no.

I realize my limitations. I do not suffer from body dysmorphia. I am FULLY aware of my size, and while I don't make a habit of complaining about it, or even letting it seemingly affect me... Comments like hers DO rip my heart out a little each time.

Comments from friends, colleagues, students... they all hurt. I am not an outwardly emotional person, but I DO still feel.

I'm not sure what to do with this information, other than show up and run. I won't win, I won't even be able to run the whole thing. But I'll feel accomplished, and then I can shove it up everyone's ass after I've done it.

Until then, I'm just going to pout and be reclusive.